Ambivalence

I am feeling such ambivalence lately.

On one hand, I’m starting to position myself to go out into the world and fight for LGBT rights for my kid and other kids like him. I have been having meetings with people to discuss strategy, plans, positioning, etc. And I’m ready!

On the other hand, I’m not ready at all. I’ve mentioned this before but this really isn’t my personality. I generally do not put myself out there and mostly I like to leave the hard work to others. Not that I’m lazy (about everything), I’m just not the one who needs to be the change maker.

I’m being vague but I’ve got something going on right now that I have to move on quickly if I’m going to do it at all, and I’m scared out of my mind. First of all, I’m still trying to pull some strings in a very non-public way since my son is still not out yet. But also, I’m just not sure I’m cut out for this. Today I was talking to a friend who is a “doer”. When something is wrong she MOVES. Especially if it involves advocating for her kids. Just talking to her overwhelmed me. I’ve always been a “wait and see” kind of person. And I know I can’t just wait and see in this situation but I’m so nervous.

Another thing that scares me is: what if I do become an outspoken advocate? Will people start avoiding me at places just because they don’t want to have to sit and listen to my “spiel” all the time? I am constantly looking at the world through my “gay son colored glasses” (yes, they’re very fashionable) but won’t I become one dimensional and boring to the people around me if that becomes my persona?

I think I’m just in an apprehensive mood. None of this is really affecting what I will or won’t do, I’m just feeling sort of wishy washy right now. I think “sort of wishy washy” is a double negative so maybe I’m actually feeling certain. I don’t know. Or maybe I do…this can go on forever….

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